She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
