I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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