Even the bartender felt bad for me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
