Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
