I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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