I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
