I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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