My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
