I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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