Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
