How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
