Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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