Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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