Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Enjoy the penises
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
