imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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