I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
