I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize