the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
