She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
