How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
