i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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