I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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