So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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