he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
