i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
is it fun? or sober?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
