he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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