Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we're making bets on your personal life
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
