1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
