Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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