i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
