dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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