Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
