If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
