he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
