I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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