dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
