Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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