Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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