I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
