shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize