Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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