Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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