Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
