Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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