U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
