The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
3pm strippers are depressing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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