She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize