Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
