i was born a porn star she said
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
