I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
