If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
