oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize