and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
