i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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