Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
