I accidentally had phone sex last night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
