the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
