thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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