Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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