I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize