did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize